UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
