too bad you live with your parents still
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
