I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I got her a Nickelback box set.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I think my moral compass just broke
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
