not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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