i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I love you. Go after that dick
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