kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize