Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
