he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
