I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
