Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
