Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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