u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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