apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
