My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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