OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
