Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Randomize
