I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
