Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
