you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
