You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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