I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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