I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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