Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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