glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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