I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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