Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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