Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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