I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
