Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
