I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize