Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
