Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
