he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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