She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
