you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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