The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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