I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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