You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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