your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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