STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
This house was built for laser tag.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
