The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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