I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
