i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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