dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
