Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
