Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Is it because I queefed?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
