Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Randomize
