I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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