You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
