When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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