there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
