well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
