now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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