Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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