somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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